Why have I become like this? I hate it. So stupidly overly-sensetive. One tiny negative comment (even in joke form) has me in tears. And every bad event lately has just been turning around in my head. I hate it. Why can't I stop it?
For example, last week we had a school production of Les Mis. I was playing violin in the orchestra for it, sitting next to and sharing a stand with Mr Roberts, my other violin teacher in school. In the last five years we've become really close, but now for some reason he's ignoring me. Well not blatantly ignoring me. Just hardly speaking to me and treating me like a stupid child when he does. It's not nice. I don't know what I've done... I had a violin lesson with him yesterday, and we sight read some duets together. To begin with he told me that the absolute worst thing about last week was my dreaful page-turning, and my lack of empathy with other players and the singers. He also said I might as well shouldn't've been there. Ouch. I almost burst into tears, but I held it back. Why am I like this? Whenever the slightest negative comment is said about my violin playing I break down. Then, as you can imagine, it was impossible for me to sight read then. I got into a complete nervous wreck and asked to leave the lesson early. I NEVER do that. Meh. I'm such a mess. Then I went back to welsh and Miss Evans screamed at me for talking to Kieran, so then that pushed me over the edge, and I started crying. Quietly into my jumper... I hope no one noticed... Argh! I'm so pathetic.
It's just loads of little things that people have said that don't mean anything that have driven me to feeling this way. I want it to stop.
I can't even handle teasing anymore. I know I'm not very smart, or pretty, or the sort of person who achieves many things. And I've always been fine with that. But now I'm not. Moo.
Sorry for being so depressing. I'm sure it'll blow over soon.
Kindest Regards, Abi.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Sunday, 6 December 2009
Updates.
Seeing as I haven't updated this for almost a month now, I think I'd better catch up. So this might take a while...
Over the past few months I've been having these auditions for scary music schools in Manchester and London. I play violin, and am utterly obsessed and driven with it. I physically NEED to do it as my career... And I don't think others fully understand how heartbreaking it is when I have to consider doing other careers, or being told I can't do it, or how hard it is... etc. Anyway, the first audition I had was in London, which was by far the best out of the two. My audition was held in this beautiful hall, where I was accompanied by this amazing pianist. I played well. No mistakes. No hesitations. AND they didn't ask me to play any scales. Which was a miracle for me, seeing as my scales truly suck. The judgey people were really nice, and I hope I impressed them... But I won't hear anything back from them until June! Which is AGES away! But I guess it's good that they haven't rejected me straight away. I'm just not the most patient person you'll meet... Ask my other half.
Then a few weeks later I had an audition in Manchester... There was something wrong about that day. I woke up too late, I left my clothes in the bathroom miles away from the shower when I washed in the morning, but they still managed to get completely drenched. My hands were freezing all day, (NOT a good thing to experience when you have to play violin. Trust me). It didn't stop raining, and I just didn't feel right. Only now, after that day have I started thinking about all those things... At the time I was only thinking about my audition. Then there was the audition itself... I honestly don't think I've ever had a worse experience in my life with my violin... I couldn't warm up properly, the pianist wasn't half as good as the other one and couldn't even follow me properly, they asked me to play the hardest scales AND asked me to repeat them all and "try to play them with good intonation". Confidence boost, right? Then I got to the pieces... My Mozart concerto was first up, which I know backwards, forwards, upsidedown, insideout... You name it and I know it. But on that day I had three major memory lapses where I had to start all over again, and tons of tiny slip-ups afterwards. I wasn't happy to say the least... Then afterwards I was a ocmplete nervous wreck which made everything else go terribly. I hated it. I just wanted to go running away crying. It was one of my dreams and I was throwing it away... Anyway, it finally ended, and I scurried off back to the comforts of the car and had to explain everything to my dad... Fun. But I guess that's just how things go. It was a "learning experience" for me, and I guess something like that had to happen at some point.
A few days after, surprise surprise, a letter of refusal came from the school I auditioned for in Manchester. It was what I was expecting, so I wasn't that upset... I just really hope I get in to the other one... My father and my violin teacher are also making me apply for this other music school, the same as the others although not quite as good, in Somerset. NOT in Cornwall, as I was teased for saying it was by a certain person earlier this week. Thank you for that, dearest.
So I have an audition in that place after my school exams in January. Yay! More auditions! However this time, I'm going to be ready. I'm going to work my ass off for it. Bye bye arse. I need to get in. Despite what others think about me not being ready, or good enough, this is what I want, and I'm going to try my hardest to get it. Even it kills me.
Moving on... My violin teacher, Harry has prostate and bladder cancer. Cheery topic, eh? He's my idol completely. He's quite old now, and has met, been taught by, been friends with and played with the most amazing musicians and gods to ever exist. He's an incredible old man. Incredibly intelligent, kind, decent, funny, and completely unique. And he's my friend. Of course as first I was terrified of him, but now he phones me up just to talk to me. We tease each other. He's like a perfect grand-father to me. He's just... *Sighs* If he dies, I feel as if it's not only me that's going to miss out and miss him terribly, but like the whole world has lost something. I know that I'll never meet anyone like him again and I can't stand the thought of him going. Of course he smokes loads, has asthma, really bad lungs, so he's obviously not helping himself. But that's just how he is. He can't change now. I wouldn't want him too. I just hope to god he's going to be ok...
Just to mention briefly, last weekend I played in this little competiton in my area, and didn't get to the final, which got me down a bit, but the finalists were all very good. I just really need the prize money right now. Ah well. Better luck next year. Oh, and to top off that spectacular day, Oliver (this cellist I met in the Summer on this music course who I got close to) was competing in the competition too, and completely ignored me. I only thought he was my friend. I thought I could trust him, but he obviously didn't give a shit about me... He was probably just using me at one stage in his life. Ah well. It's over with now. I know who he is, and I don't trust him anymore and I don't care about him.
This might be a little odd after all the doom and gloom I've just written about, but last Thursday was probably the happiest day of my life. I finally got to meet my better half (cheesy, I know, but meh. Deal with it), yet again. A whole day of anticipation and excitement for the following evening sent me completely buzzing. Until I saw him waiting for my at my bus-stop. Then I exploded inside. I have never felt more at ease or happy around anyone. He knows me inside-out after only almost seven months of being together. I'm not very good with words, but I know I love him. Call me stupid, but I really do.
He has made me get past all the shit that's happening, even though he doesn't realise it. So, after all that. I truly am happy. I'm such a freak... xD
Anyways,
Kindest regards, Abi.
Over the past few months I've been having these auditions for scary music schools in Manchester and London. I play violin, and am utterly obsessed and driven with it. I physically NEED to do it as my career... And I don't think others fully understand how heartbreaking it is when I have to consider doing other careers, or being told I can't do it, or how hard it is... etc. Anyway, the first audition I had was in London, which was by far the best out of the two. My audition was held in this beautiful hall, where I was accompanied by this amazing pianist. I played well. No mistakes. No hesitations. AND they didn't ask me to play any scales. Which was a miracle for me, seeing as my scales truly suck. The judgey people were really nice, and I hope I impressed them... But I won't hear anything back from them until June! Which is AGES away! But I guess it's good that they haven't rejected me straight away. I'm just not the most patient person you'll meet... Ask my other half.
Then a few weeks later I had an audition in Manchester... There was something wrong about that day. I woke up too late, I left my clothes in the bathroom miles away from the shower when I washed in the morning, but they still managed to get completely drenched. My hands were freezing all day, (NOT a good thing to experience when you have to play violin. Trust me). It didn't stop raining, and I just didn't feel right. Only now, after that day have I started thinking about all those things... At the time I was only thinking about my audition. Then there was the audition itself... I honestly don't think I've ever had a worse experience in my life with my violin... I couldn't warm up properly, the pianist wasn't half as good as the other one and couldn't even follow me properly, they asked me to play the hardest scales AND asked me to repeat them all and "try to play them with good intonation". Confidence boost, right? Then I got to the pieces... My Mozart concerto was first up, which I know backwards, forwards, upsidedown, insideout... You name it and I know it. But on that day I had three major memory lapses where I had to start all over again, and tons of tiny slip-ups afterwards. I wasn't happy to say the least... Then afterwards I was a ocmplete nervous wreck which made everything else go terribly. I hated it. I just wanted to go running away crying. It was one of my dreams and I was throwing it away... Anyway, it finally ended, and I scurried off back to the comforts of the car and had to explain everything to my dad... Fun. But I guess that's just how things go. It was a "learning experience" for me, and I guess something like that had to happen at some point.
A few days after, surprise surprise, a letter of refusal came from the school I auditioned for in Manchester. It was what I was expecting, so I wasn't that upset... I just really hope I get in to the other one... My father and my violin teacher are also making me apply for this other music school, the same as the others although not quite as good, in Somerset. NOT in Cornwall, as I was teased for saying it was by a certain person earlier this week. Thank you for that, dearest.
So I have an audition in that place after my school exams in January. Yay! More auditions! However this time, I'm going to be ready. I'm going to work my ass off for it. Bye bye arse. I need to get in. Despite what others think about me not being ready, or good enough, this is what I want, and I'm going to try my hardest to get it. Even it kills me.
Moving on... My violin teacher, Harry has prostate and bladder cancer. Cheery topic, eh? He's my idol completely. He's quite old now, and has met, been taught by, been friends with and played with the most amazing musicians and gods to ever exist. He's an incredible old man. Incredibly intelligent, kind, decent, funny, and completely unique. And he's my friend. Of course as first I was terrified of him, but now he phones me up just to talk to me. We tease each other. He's like a perfect grand-father to me. He's just... *Sighs* If he dies, I feel as if it's not only me that's going to miss out and miss him terribly, but like the whole world has lost something. I know that I'll never meet anyone like him again and I can't stand the thought of him going. Of course he smokes loads, has asthma, really bad lungs, so he's obviously not helping himself. But that's just how he is. He can't change now. I wouldn't want him too. I just hope to god he's going to be ok...
Just to mention briefly, last weekend I played in this little competiton in my area, and didn't get to the final, which got me down a bit, but the finalists were all very good. I just really need the prize money right now. Ah well. Better luck next year. Oh, and to top off that spectacular day, Oliver (this cellist I met in the Summer on this music course who I got close to) was competing in the competition too, and completely ignored me. I only thought he was my friend. I thought I could trust him, but he obviously didn't give a shit about me... He was probably just using me at one stage in his life. Ah well. It's over with now. I know who he is, and I don't trust him anymore and I don't care about him.
This might be a little odd after all the doom and gloom I've just written about, but last Thursday was probably the happiest day of my life. I finally got to meet my better half (cheesy, I know, but meh. Deal with it), yet again. A whole day of anticipation and excitement for the following evening sent me completely buzzing. Until I saw him waiting for my at my bus-stop. Then I exploded inside. I have never felt more at ease or happy around anyone. He knows me inside-out after only almost seven months of being together. I'm not very good with words, but I know I love him. Call me stupid, but I really do.
He has made me get past all the shit that's happening, even though he doesn't realise it. So, after all that. I truly am happy. I'm such a freak... xD
Anyways,
Kindest regards, Abi.
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