Procrastination...

Well here I am, procrastinating instead of the doing History coursework I should have handed in over a week ago...

I had a violin lesson this morning with Harry. Today's lesson was all about "pushing Abi into the right kind of technique, which will make her violin playing ten times more marvellous", as I heard Harry telling my father afterwards whilst I went back upstairs to grab my abandoned coat... Before I even heard this I knew the objective of the lesson whilst I was having it. It was that hard to tell really... I didn't mind at all. I'm welcome to anything that will improve my playing. I'm so desperate to be good at playing the violin. More than even I believe sometimes... Hardly anyone can see it. My father certainly can't. I think he's under the illusion that I only practise violin so much because he nags me to. Although I don't mind, because it urges me to practise even more, and he does provide so much for me, so I can hardly complain. Every time I meet I Harry I'm filled with ambition and urgency to be a better violinist. He's had such an amazing life, met so many amazing musicians, played everywhere, taught the best, witnessed the best... Although somehow, he never boasts. When I'm older, if I had a fraction of the life that he's had, I would be boasting until the cows came home. Being with him, I believe that I will do anything to succeed, and that having his sort of life is the only thing I could ever want. I can't desrcibe how much this idea thrills me. I don't want to end up a wash out... I know everyone says that when they're my age, regardless of what their ambitions are, but I have such a need to be a musician that doing anything else in my life as a career seems almost repulsive.

So many people say how impossible it is to be a successful, true classical musician these days. How that everyone is drawn to 'pop music' and that no one has time for classical music or musicians anymore. This thought depresses me so much. Many violin teachers, even Harry to an extent, are telling their pupils to stay away from becoming professional classical musicians. However, I think Harry has already given up on trying to convince me with how obliviously determined I am... I hope that they are wrong. I need them to be wrong.

P.S - I will be uploading a post about the camping trip soon. I just needed to rant about this first...

Abi x

Happy

Well hello, bloggers. Sorry about not posting in a while. The post from last night doesn't count because the content was too short and not serious enough. Also, if anyone was wondering, because they fancy seeing some gay action, the gay film I mentioned last night was Velvet Goldmine. I recommend it to you all. Except for all you homophobic people out there...

I am very glad to tell you that I'm in a very happy mood.

First of all, I had a violin lesson today with Harry for the first time in a month. I've really missed him and am so glad that he's better. He was back to his usual how-do-I-make-Abi-feel-completely-embarressed mode. I was really happy to see him well, after everything he's gone through. He's an amazing person.

And secondly, I'm glad I have such great friends. :) I will now copy and paste a conversation that I just had with Kieran which includes the best compliment ever.

Kieran says:
-Hey!
-Sam wants us to go camping in february
-Freezing february!

Abi says:
-KIWEE!

-I don't mind.
-20 layers. :D
-Including each other as one layer.

Kieran says:
-GLACIAL FEBRUARY!
Bitch. But nicely. says:
-Hahahahaha
-Kiwee.
Kieran says:
-You'll be Chillygail
Bitch. But nicely. says:
-You won't die!
-Hahaha
-My violin teacher called me Jabbygail today!!! :D

Kieran says:
-Jabby jab jab

Bitch. But nicely. says:
-And he doesn't even know about the -Insert any word here that sounds funny- gail phenomenon!

Kieran says:
-love you

Bitch. But nicely. says:
-Yay!
-Love you tewe!


Kieran says:

-What if it rains and freezes in my hair?! :O

Bitch. But nicely. says:

-WHAT IF FREEZE-THAW WEATHERING HAPPENS INSIDE MY HAIR?!!!

Kieran says:
-you need a crack in your hair for that to work and your hair is too perfect for cracks
Bitch. But nicely. says:
-Split ends?
-But aww... That's the nicest compliment I've ever had! :D

Kieran says:
-If you'll have any i'll get rhys to eat them off! :D



That conversation makes me smile. I also had a text just now from Sam which added to the happiness a lot. :)

It is also a certain 8 month anniversary between myself and a special someone. Which is a MASSIVE factor to add to the HAPPINESS! Yay!

I am also currently downloading the Placebo album that Sophie gave me yesterday onto my computer to give back to her tomorrow. I want to make her proud by actually giving something back quickly. :D

Anyways, that's all I have to say.

I hope your weekend was good! Mine was, as I predicted.

Kindest Regards, Abi.

NEW POST!!

I'm at Sophie's house! Woop! :D

She is uber sexy and I want her babies.

Shame about the snow going poof. :(

I've had exams all this week and they're going to continue next week. Boo hoo.

Gay film on tonight! Ooooh yeah... ;)

Have a great weekend! I know I will.

Kindest Regards, Abi.

x

Meh

Why have I become like this? I hate it. So stupidly overly-sensetive. One tiny negative comment (even in joke form) has me in tears. And every bad event lately has just been turning around in my head. I hate it. Why can't I stop it?

For example, last week we had a school production of Les Mis. I was playing violin in the orchestra for it, sitting next to and sharing a stand with Mr Roberts, my other violin teacher in school. In the last five years we've become really close, but now for some reason he's ignoring me. Well not blatantly ignoring me. Just hardly speaking to me and treating me like a stupid child when he does. It's not nice. I don't know what I've done... I had a violin lesson with him yesterday, and we sight read some duets together. To begin with he told me that the absolute worst thing about last week was my dreaful page-turning, and my lack of empathy with other players and the singers. He also said I might as well shouldn't've been there. Ouch. I almost burst into tears, but I held it back. Why am I like this? Whenever the slightest negative comment is said about my violin playing I break down. Then, as you can imagine, it was impossible for me to sight read then. I got into a complete nervous wreck and asked to leave the lesson early. I NEVER do that. Meh. I'm such a mess. Then I went back to welsh and Miss Evans screamed at me for talking to Kieran, so then that pushed me over the edge, and I started crying. Quietly into my jumper... I hope no one noticed... Argh! I'm so pathetic.

It's just loads of little things that people have said that don't mean anything that have driven me to feeling this way. I want it to stop.

I can't even handle teasing anymore. I know I'm not very smart, or pretty, or the sort of person who achieves many things. And I've always been fine with that. But now I'm not. Moo.

Sorry for being so depressing. I'm sure it'll blow over soon.

Kindest Regards, Abi.

Updates.

Seeing as I haven't updated this for almost a month now, I think I'd better catch up. So this might take a while...

Over the past few months I've been having these auditions for scary music schools in Manchester and London. I play violin, and am utterly obsessed and driven with it. I physically NEED to do it as my career... And I don't think others fully understand how heartbreaking it is when I have to consider doing other careers, or being told I can't do it, or how hard it is... etc. Anyway, the first audition I had was in London, which was by far the best out of the two. My audition was held in this beautiful hall, where I was accompanied by this amazing pianist. I played well. No mistakes. No hesitations. AND they didn't ask me to play any scales. Which was a miracle for me, seeing as my scales truly suck. The judgey people were really nice, and I hope I impressed them... But I won't hear anything back from them until June! Which is AGES away! But I guess it's good that they haven't rejected me straight away. I'm just not the most patient person you'll meet... Ask my other half.

Then a few weeks later I had an audition in Manchester... There was something wrong about that day. I woke up too late, I left my clothes in the bathroom miles away from the shower when I washed in the morning, but they still managed to get completely drenched. My hands were freezing all day, (NOT a good thing to experience when you have to play violin. Trust me). It didn't stop raining, and I just didn't feel right. Only now, after that day have I started thinking about all those things... At the time I was only thinking about my audition. Then there was the audition itself... I honestly don't think I've ever had a worse experience in my life with my violin... I couldn't warm up properly, the pianist wasn't half as good as the other one and couldn't even follow me properly, they asked me to play the hardest scales AND asked me to repeat them all and "try to play them with good intonation". Confidence boost, right? Then I got to the pieces... My Mozart concerto was first up, which I know backwards, forwards, upsidedown, insideout... You name it and I know it. But on that day I had three major memory lapses where I had to start all over again, and tons of tiny slip-ups afterwards. I wasn't happy to say the least... Then afterwards I was a ocmplete nervous wreck which made everything else go terribly. I hated it. I just wanted to go running away crying. It was one of my dreams and I was throwing it away... Anyway, it finally ended, and I scurried off back to the comforts of the car and had to explain everything to my dad... Fun. But I guess that's just how things go. It was a "learning experience" for me, and I guess something like that had to happen at some point.
A few days after, surprise surprise, a letter of refusal came from the school I auditioned for in Manchester. It was what I was expecting, so I wasn't that upset... I just really hope I get in to the other one... My father and my violin teacher are also making me apply for this other music school, the same as the others although not quite as good, in Somerset. NOT in Cornwall, as I was teased for saying it was by a certain person earlier this week. Thank you for that, dearest.
So I have an audition in that place after my school exams in January. Yay! More auditions! However this time, I'm going to be ready. I'm going to work my ass off for it. Bye bye arse. I need to get in. Despite what others think about me not being ready, or good enough, this is what I want, and I'm going to try my hardest to get it. Even it kills me.

Moving on... My violin teacher, Harry has prostate and bladder cancer. Cheery topic, eh? He's my idol completely. He's quite old now, and has met, been taught by, been friends with and played with the most amazing musicians and gods to ever exist. He's an incredible old man. Incredibly intelligent, kind, decent, funny, and completely unique. And he's my friend. Of course as first I was terrified of him, but now he phones me up just to talk to me. We tease each other. He's like a perfect grand-father to me. He's just... *Sighs* If he dies, I feel as if it's not only me that's going to miss out and miss him terribly, but like the whole world has lost something. I know that I'll never meet anyone like him again and I can't stand the thought of him going. Of course he smokes loads, has asthma, really bad lungs, so he's obviously not helping himself. But that's just how he is. He can't change now. I wouldn't want him too. I just hope to god he's going to be ok...

Just to mention briefly, last weekend I played in this little competiton in my area, and didn't get to the final, which got me down a bit, but the finalists were all very good. I just really need the prize money right now. Ah well. Better luck next year. Oh, and to top off that spectacular day, Oliver (this cellist I met in the Summer on this music course who I got close to) was competing in the competition too, and completely ignored me. I only thought he was my friend. I thought I could trust him, but he obviously didn't give a shit about me... He was probably just using me at one stage in his life. Ah well. It's over with now. I know who he is, and I don't trust him anymore and I don't care about him.

This might be a little odd after all the doom and gloom I've just written about, but last Thursday was probably the happiest day of my life. I finally got to meet my better half (cheesy, I know, but meh. Deal with it), yet again. A whole day of anticipation and excitement for the following evening sent me completely buzzing. Until I saw him waiting for my at my bus-stop. Then I exploded inside. I have never felt more at ease or happy around anyone. He knows me inside-out after only almost seven months of being together. I'm not very good with words, but I know I love him. Call me stupid, but I really do.

He has made me get past all the shit that's happening, even though he doesn't realise it. So, after all that. I truly am happy. I'm such a freak... xD

Anyways,
Kindest regards, Abi.

Scary Stuff

Well hello. This is my very first blog, all due to the nagging of Sam. Blog virginity officially broken.

I'm in year 11 in school, currently working up to my GCSEs in the rainy land that is Wales. I actually like the rain, different to most pleople around here...

The other night I was watching these documentaries on sleep paralysis which gave me a good scaring. I'm a complete sissy who gets freaked out and unable to sleep at the thought of even spiders. So hearing that people could be actually paralysed and experience such things gave me the creeps. I know that it's all in your imagination and all that, but still. Scary! But afterward watching endless accounts on youtube of people telling their tales of ghouls and old hags in the night, I stumbled across videos of "alien sightings", which cheered me up a considerable amount due to how fake they all were.

I'm currently listening to Jeff Buckley. God himself. I admit I'm horrendously obsessed with him, and if any of you ever insult him, I will eat you.

Well, I must be off now.

Kindest Regards,
Abi.